by Pateric J.
Jack Elf: You ever lived at the North Pole, son?
Kaybee: No, sir.
Jack Elf: You ever had your feet in pointed shoes while working with wood, asked another elf to wear those same shoes while building a train?
Kaybee: No, sir.
Jack Elf: Son, we make toys. We make toys or children cry. It's that simple. Are we clear?
Kaybee: Yes sir.
Jack elf: Are we CLEAR?
Kaybee: Crystal. I just have one more question before I call Airmen Prancer and Vixen. If you got a list of toys to be delivered, and those lists don't include Nativity Scenes, then why would it be necessary to call Toys R Us?
Jack Elf: The Nativity displays were being ordered as a novelty item. Famous cartoons would replace the Holy family to make the scene a learning toy...
Kaybee: No, sir. You said the displays ordered were the Baby in The Manger. You said `The Manger.' I said `The Baby in the Manger?' You said `Is there any other one?'
Jack Elf: I recall what I said.
Kaybee: I can have the Easter Bunny read back to you...
Jack Elf: I know what I said. I don't have to have it read back to me like I'm some kind of pixie...
Kaybee: Then why the new order?
Jack Elf: Sometimes parents take matters into their own hands.
Kaybee: No sir, you just made it clear to me that parents never take Santa's job from him. Elves make toys or children cry. So if you were giving toy Nativity Scenes, Toys R Us shouldn't have been called at all. Surely you have the resources to make such a simple toy.
Jack Elf: You snotty little Scrooge.
Kevin Bacon: Objection, your Honor.
Kaybee: I'd like an answer to the question.
Judge Nicholas: The court will wait for an answer.
Kaybee: The truth is Jehosephat ordered the coal bricks because that's what you told Jehosephat the Elf to do.
Kevin Bacon: Objection!
Judge Nicholas: Sustained. Kaybee, any further remarks about the coal and you will be held in contempt.
Kaybee: You doctored the Chrismas Lists, you coerced the parents, You cut these elves loose!
Judge Nicholas: That's it, Kaybee, you're in contempt.
Kaybee: Did you order the coal bricks!?!
Judge Nicholas: He didn't ask nicely. You don't have to answer that.
Jack Elf: I'll answer the question. You want Santa?
Kaybee: I think I'm entitled.
Jack Elf: YOU WANT SANTA?
Kaybee: I WANT MY TOYS!
Jack Elf: You can't handle your toys! Son, we live in a world that has malls. And those malls have to be run by men with stores. Who's going to do it? You? You, Leuitenant Coldmeiser? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for the little kiddies and you curse the elves. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know. That stuffing stockings with coal saves elves' lives, and my existence while short and magical to you, saves elves' lives. You know that some of these kids don't deserve toys because deep down in places you don't talk about at office parties, You want me at the mall, you need me at the mall, to watch your stupid kids while you shop. We use words like Mattel, Huffy, Nintendo. We use these words as the backbone of a holiday spent celebrating someting. You use them to pad your wallet. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man that sells and markets the toys that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide them. I would rather you just said Feliz Navidad, and went on your way, or I suggest you pick up a charge card and give unto others. Either way, I don't give a candy cane what you think you Are entitled TO!
Kaybee: Did you order the coal bricks?
Jack Elf: I did my Job, I'll do it next year.
Kaybee: Did you order the coal Bricks?
Jack Elf: DARN TOOTIN" RIGHT I DID!!!
Kaybee: I move that court be dimissed so that we can move to an immediate article 12 section 25 trial. The witness has rights.
Jack Elf: This is ridiculous. I've had enough. I'm going to get a reindeer and fly on back to my pole for some eggnog.
Judge Nicholas: You aren't going anywhere. Cherubim, guard the Elf.
Jack Elf: What's this? I'm Being charged with a crime? This is funny. That's what this is. This is... I'm going to rip the stocking from your chimney and throw coal in your red sock! You tinkered with the wrong toymaker! You friggin' people. You have no idea how to celebrate a holiday. All you did was weaken a tradition today, Kaybee. That's all you did. Sugarplum dreams son.
Kaybee: Don't call me son. I provide toys for deserving kids, and you are off Santa's good list you son of a Grinch.
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