Eye Exam

A guy goes to his eye doctor for an examination. They start talking as the doctor is examining his eyes. In the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually says, “You need to stop masturbating.” The guy replies, “Why Doc? Am I going blind?” The doctor says, “No, but you’re upsetting the other patients in the waiting room.”

Смотреть далее | 14.01.2025 | Отправить ссылку друзьям

My winter holidays — Мои зимние каникулы

My winter holidays — Мои зимние каникулы Every year I have winter holidays. They usually last for two weeks. Holidays give me the opportunity not to get up early in the morning, so I sleep till 9 o’clock. When the weather is cold, I prefer to stay at home and read something interesting, play computer games or surf Internet. As I spend lots of time at home, I have to help my mother with cooking or cleaning. In the evening I usually visit my friends or go out with them to the cinema or cafе. My hobby is mountain skiing, so when the weather is fine I go skiing. When I come back home I am usually very tired and go to sleep after supper. Of course, winter holidays are not so long and joyful as summer holidays, but in any case winter holidays is the time of rest. [ перевод ] Каждый год у меня есть зимние каникулы. Они обычно длятся две недели. Каникулы дают мне возможность не вставать очень рано, поэтому я сплю до 9 часов. Когда на улице холодно, я предпочитаю оставаться дома и почитать что-нибудь интересное, поиграть в компьютерные игры или посидеть в Интернете. Поскольку я провожу много времени дома, мне приходится помогать маме с приготовлением обеда или уборкой. Вечерами я обычно хожу в гости к друзьям или мы вместе идем в кино или кафе. Мое хобби – горные лыжи, поэтому, когда на улице хорошая погода, я еду кататься. Когда я приезжаю домой, обычно я очень уставший, поэтому иду спать сразу после ужина. Конечно, зимние каникулы не такие длинные и веселые, как летние, но в любом случае – это время отдыха.

Смотреть далее | 13.01.2025 | Отправить ссылку друзьям

The big shot

A big-shot businessman had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She walked into his room and announced, “I have to take your temperature.” After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. “No, I’m sorry, the nurse stated, “but for this reading, I can’t use an oral thermometer.” This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, “I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!” She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing. After almost an hour, the man’s doctor came into the room. “What’s going on here?” asked the doctor. Angrily, the man answered, “What’s the matter, Doc? Haven’t you ever seen someone having their temperature taken before?” After a pause, the doctor replied, “Yes, but never with a daffodil!”

Смотреть далее | 13.01.2025 | Отправить ссылку друзьям

2+2

There once was a business owner who was interviewing people for a division manager position. He decided to select the individual that could answer the question “How much is 2+2?” The engineer pulled out his slide rule and shuffled it back and forth, and finally announced, “It lies between 3.98 and 4.02.” The mathematician said, “In two hours I can demonstrate it equals 4 with the following short proof.” The attorney stated, “In the case of Stevenson vs. the State, 2+2 was declared to be 4.” The trader asked, “Are you buying or selling?” The accountant looked at the business owner, got out of his chair, went to see if anyone was listening at the door, and pulled the drapes. Then he returned to the business owner, leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, “What would you like it to be?

Смотреть далее | 12.01.2025 | Отправить ссылку друзьям

Caring Men

Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking? A: Because those men already have boyfriends. Caring Men

Смотреть далее | 11.01.2025 | Отправить ссылку друзьям

Quotes from Stupid

These are supposedly actual quotes taken from around the world. “That race was all about competition.” – David Coleman, ITV “And I can see the strong wind blowing the sun towards us.” – Brian Johnson, BBC Radio 3 Mark Goodier: What’s the name of the company you work for? Listener: Mining and Engineering Services. Mark Goodier: So, what kind of work do they do; is it mining and engineering services? – BBC Radio 1 “Marling – unbeaten in her three victories.” Peter O’Sullivan, BBC2 TV: “Both drivers are fundamentally wearing white helmets.” James Hunt, BBC2 TV: “A church spire nestling among the trees…there’s probably a church there too.” – Richie Benaud, BBC2 TV

Смотреть далее | 10.01.2025 | Отправить ссылку друзьям

The scottish farmer

His name was Fleming, and he was a poor Scottish farmer. One day, while trying to eke out a living for his family, he heard a cry for help coming from a nearby bog. He dropped his tools and ran to the bog. There, mired to his waist in black muck, was a terrified boy, screaming and struggling to free himself. Farmer Fleming saved the lad from what could have been a slow and terrifying death. The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman’s sparse surroundings. An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved. “I want to repay you,” said the nobleman. “You saved my son’s life.” “No, I can’t accept payment for what I did,” the Scottish farmer replied, waving off the offer. At that moment, the farmer’s own son came to the door of the family hovel. “Is that your son?” the nobleman asked. “Yes,” the farmer replied proudly. “I’ll make you a deal. Let me take him and give him a good education. If the lad is anything like his father, he’ll grow to a man you can be proud of.” And that he did. In time, Farmer Fleming’s son graduated from St. Mary’s Hospital Medical School in London, and went on to become known throughout the world as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of Penicillin. Years afterward, the nobleman’s son was stricken with pneumonia. What saved him? Penicillin. The name of the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill. His son’s name? Sir Winston Churchill.

Смотреть далее | 09.01.2025 | Отправить ссылку друзьям

Betty Crocker

One day, a woman came up to her husband and told him that the TV was broken and she was missing her shows. “Does it say cable repairman anywhere on my forehead?” he asked. “No,” she said. A few minutes later she came back and told him that the porch was breaking and it was dangerous. “Does it say carpenter anywhere on my forehead?” he asked. “No,” she said again. A few minutes later, she came back and told him the toilet was backed up. “Does it say ‘plumber’ anywhere on my forehead?” he asked. “No,” she replied. A couple of days later he went on a business trip. When he came back he asked how things had been. “Well,” she said, “our neighbor down the street came over and fixed our TV, repaired our porch and unclogged our pipes.” “What did he ask for in payment?” he wondered. “All he asked for was a chocolate cake or sex,” she told him. “What did you do?” he asked. She looked at him smugly and said, “Do you see Betty Crocker written anywhere on my forehead?” Betty Crocker

Смотреть далее | 08.01.2025 | Отправить ссылку друзьям

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