O’Malley’s last stand

An Irishman named O’Malley went to his doctor after a long illness. After a lengthy examination, the doctor sighed and looked O’Malley in the eye and said, “I’ve some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can’t be cured. I’d give you two weeks to a month to live.” O’Malley was shocked and saddened by the news, but he managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor’s office into the waiting room. There, he saw his son who had been waiting. O’Malley said, “Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t so well. I have cancer, and I’ve been given a short time to live. Let’s head for the pub and have a few pints.” After three or four pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O’Malley’s old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. O’Malley told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, “I’ve only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS.” The friends gave O’Malley their condolences, and they had a couple more beers. After his friends left, O’Malley’s son leaned over and whispered his confusion. “Dad, I though you said that you were dying from cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!” O’Malley said, “I am dying of cancer, son. I just don’t want any of them sleeping with your mother after I’m gone.” O’Malley’s last stand

Смотреть далее | 04.01.2025 | Отправить ссылку друзьям

Sign of the times

Two deaf people got married. During the first week of marriage, they found they were unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turned the lights off because they couldn’t see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around, the wife decided to find a solution. “Honey,” she signed, “Why don’t we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my right breast once. If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my left breast once.” The husband thought this was a wonderful idea and signed back to his wife, “Great idea, now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull my penis one time, and if you don’t want to have sex, reach over and pull my penis… 50 times.”

Смотреть далее | 03.01.2025 | Отправить ссылку друзьям

The blonde joke 2

One day a brunette, a redhead and a blonde decide to go through their daughter’s purses. The brunette goes through her daughter’s purse and finds cigarettes. She says: “Oh my god, I’m so ashamed! My daughter smokes.” The redhead goes through her daughter’s purse and finds an empty can of beer. She says: “Oh my god I’m so ashamed! My daughter drinks.” Finally, it’s the blonde’s turn and she finds a used condom. She says: “Oh my god I’m so ashamed! My daughter has a penis!”

Смотреть далее | 02.01.2025 | Отправить ссылку друзьям

The blonde joke

Two blond men were walking through the woods on a hunting trip when one looked down and said, “Oh, look at the deer tracks.” The other blond man looked down and said, “Those aren’t deer tracks, those are wolf tracks.” “No. Those are deer tracks,” replied the first blond guy. They kept arguing, and arguing, until a half hour later when they were both killed by a train.

Смотреть далее | 01.01.2025 | Отправить ссылку друзьям

Three parrots

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says, “The parrot to the left costs $500.” “Why does the parrot cost so much?” the customer asks. The owner says, “Well, it knows how to use a computer.” The customer asks about the next parrot and is told, “That one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.” Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot and is told, “That one costs $2,000.” Needless to say this begs the question, “What can IT do?” The owner replies “To be honest I’ve never seen it do a thing but the other two call him boss!” Three parrots

Смотреть далее | 31.12.2024 | Отправить ссылку друзьям

Топик The President of the United States - Президент Соединенных Штатов

The President of the United States Do you want to be President of the United States of America? Maybe you can apply for the post. Answer these three questions. Are you a US citizen? Are you thirty-five years old or older? Have you been a resident of the United States for fourteen years or longer? Did you say "yes" to all three questions? Then you can take the first steps to the White House. You become President for a term. A term is four years. You can only serve two terms. This means that you can only be President twice. This law was adopted in 1951. Before that the law was different. In fact, Franklin D. Roosevelt became President in 1933. He was still President when he died in 1945. He was President for twelve years. No one was President longer than he was. As President of the United States, you earn $200,000 a year. You also get an extra $50,000 for expenses, tax free. You have your own limousine, jet, and housekeepers, all free. You also live rent free, in the White House in Washington, D. C. And you are the head of the richest country in the world. Presidents of the United States were people of very different professions. Twenty-two were lawyers, four - soldiers, four - farmers, four - teachers, two - writers, two - businessmen, one - engineer, one - tailor, and one - actor. Eight of them did not have a college education! [ перевод ] Президент Соединенных Штатов Вы хотите стать президентом Соединенных Штатов Америки? Возможно вы можете претендовать на пост. Ответьте на эти три вопроса. Вы - американский гражданин? Вам - тридцать пять лет или больше? Вы были постоянным жителем Соединенных Штатов в течение четырнадцати лет или дольше? Вы ответили «да» на все три вопроса? Тогда вы можете сделать первые шаги к Белому дому. Вы становитесь президентом на срок. Срок составляет четыре года. Вы можете отслужить только два срока. Это означает, что вы можете стать президентом только дважды. Этот закон был принят в 1951 г. До этого закон был другим. Фактически, Франклин Д. Рузвельт стал президентом в 1933 г. Он все еще был президентом, когда он умер в 1945 г. Он был президентом в течение двенадцати лет. Никто не был президентом дольше, чем был он. Как президент Соединенных Штатов, вы зарабатываете $200000 год. Вы также получаете дополнительные $50000  на расходы без налога. У вас есть свой собственный лимузин, самолет и домоправительницы, все бесплатно. Вы также живете не выплачивая арендной платы в Белом доме в Вашингтоне, округ Колумбия. И вы - глава самой богатой страны в мире. Президенты Соединенных Штатов были людьми совершенно разных профессий. Двадцать два были адвокатами, четыре - солдатами, четыре - фермерами, четыре - учителями, два - писателями, два - бизнесменами, один - инженер, один - портной, и один - актер. У восьми из них не было образования колледжа!

Смотреть далее | 31.12.2024 | Отправить ссылку друзьям

Exciting news

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually, his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. The teacher couldn’t figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was. “It’s a period,” reported Johnnie. “Well, I can see that,” she said. “But what is so exciting about a period.” “Damned if I know,” said Johnnie. “But this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself.” Exciting news

Смотреть далее | 30.12.2024 | Отправить ссылку друзьям

Топик My Favourite Artist - Мой любимый художник

My Favourite Artist Pictorial art is one of my favourite types of art. I have been to many museums and galleries where there were art exhibitions. I should say I had a great time. From one hand I’ve managed to see some of the best and world-famous paintings, from the other hand it was very informative and useful for me. Now I can tell my friends a lot about art, and I will certainly recommend them to visit the Tretyakov Gallery and the Pushkin Museum in Moscow. Both these museums impressed me a lot. I spent nearly a day in each of them examining the works of art. One thing I understood that there a number of paintings which I like more than the others, and those paintings happened to be by famous artist Ivan Aivazovsky. In my opinion, he is a great artist and his vision of seas and oceans is wonderful. He is a seascape painter, which means that most of his works were sea landscapes. He is also considered to be one of the greatest seascape artists of all times. Aivazovsky was born in Crimea where he spent most of his life. This might be the reason why he chose to draw sea scenery. Crimea is washed by two seas: the Black Sea and the Azov Sea. So, these landscapes were native to him. One of his especially beautiful pictures I’ve remembered is “Stormy Sea”. I think he was very gifted to draw such pictures. The majority of his works is placed in the Museum of Aivazovsky in his home town Feodosiya. His most famous picture “The Ninth Wave” is also there. I wish I could see all his pictures some day, as I only saw the ones which are kept in Tretyakov Gallery. [ перевод ] Мой любимый художник Изобразительное искусство является одним из моих любимых видов искусства. Я побывал во многих музеях и галереях, где были художественные выставки. Должен сказать, что я прекрасно провел время. С одной стороны, мне удалось увидеть некоторые из самых лучших и всемирно известных картин, с другой стороны, это было очень информативно и полезно для меня. Сейчас я могу рассказать своим друзьям многое об искусстве, и я обязательно порекомендую им посетить Третьяковскую галерею и Пушкинский музей в Москве. Оба эти музея произвели на меня большое впечатление. Я провел почти день в каждом из них, изучая произведения искусства. Я понял одну вещь, что есть ряд картин, которые мне нравятся больше, чем другие, и оказалось, что это картины известного художника Ивана Айвазовского. На мой взгляд, он великий художник и его видение морей и океанов замечательно. Он маринист, что обозначает, что большинство его произведений это морские пейзажи. Он также считается одним из величайших художников морского пейзажа всех времен. Айвазовский родился в Крыму, где он провел большую часть своей жизни. Это может быть послужило причиной тому, что он решил рисовать морской пейзаж. Крым омывается водами двух морей: Черного моря и Азовского моря. Таким образом, эти пейзажи являются для него родными. Мне запомнилась одна из его особенно красивых картин - "Бурное море". Я думаю, что он был очень одаренным, чтобы рисовать такие картины. Большинство его работ находится в музее Айвазовского в его родном городе Феодосии. Его самая известная картина "Девятый вал" тоже там. Я хотел бы увидеть все его картины в один прекрасный день, так как я видел только те, которые хранятся в Третьяковской галерее. Gocek — picturesque place in Turkey

Смотреть далее | 30.12.2024 | Отправить ссылку друзьям

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