Honest grandma

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know me?’ She responded, ‘Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.’ The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?’ She again replied, ‘Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.’ The defense attorney nearly died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, ‘If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.’

Смотреть далее | 23.01.2025 | Отправить ссылку друзьям

Keep On Singing

Like any good mother, when Karen found out that another baby was on the way, she did what she could to help her 3-year old son, Michael, prepare for a new sibling. They find out that the new baby is going to be a girl, and day after day, night after night, Michael sings to his sister in Mommy's tummy. The pregnancy progresses normally for Karen, an active member of the Panther Creek United Methodist Church in Morristown,Tennessee. Then the labor pains come. Every five minutes every minute. But complications arise during delivery. Hours of labor. Would a C-section be required? Finally, Michael's little sister is born. But she is in serious condition. With siren howling in the night, the ambulance rushes the infant to the neonatal intensive care unit at St. Mary's Hospital, Knoxville, Tennessee. The days inch by. The little girl gets worse. The pediatric specialist tells the parents, "There is very little hope. Be prepared for the worst." Karen and her husband contact a local cemetery about a burial plot. They have fixed up a special room in their home for the new baby - now they plan a funeral. Michael, keeps begging his parents to let him see his sister, "I want to sing to her," he says. Week two in intensive care. It looks as if a funeral will come before the week is over. Michael keeps nagging about singing to his sister, but kids are never allowed in Intensive Care. But Karen makes up her mind. She will take Michael whether they like it or not. If he doesn't see his sister now, he may never see her alive. She dresses him in an oversized scrub suit and marches him into ICU. He looks like a walking laundry basket, but the head nurse recognizes him as a child and bellows, "Get that kid out of here now! No children are allowed. The mother rises up strong in Karen, and the usually mild-mannered lady glares steel-eyed into the head nurse's face, her lips a firm line. "He is not leaving until he sings to his sister!" Karen tows Michael to his sister's bedside. He gazes at the tiny infant losing the battle to live. And he begins to sing. In the pure hearted voice of a 3-year-old, Michael sings: "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are gray - " Instantly the baby girl responds. The pulse rate becomes calm and steady. Keep on singing, Michael. "You never know, dear, how much I love you, Please don't take my sunshine away-" The ragged, strained breathing becomes as smooth as a kitten's purr. Keep on singing, Michael. "The other night, dear, as I lay sleeping, I dreamed I held you in my arms:" Michael's little sister relaxes as rest, healing rest, seems to sweep over her. Keep on singing, Michael. Tears conquer the face of the bossy head nurse. Karen glows. "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. Please don't, take my sunshine away." Funeral plans are scrapped. The next, day-the very next day-the little girl is well enough to go home! Woman's Day magazine called it "the miracle of a brother's song." The medical staff just called it a miracle. NEVER GIVE UP ON THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE

Смотреть далее | 22.01.2025 | Отправить ссылку друзьям

Two Ethical Questions!

If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had eight kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis; would you recommend that she have an abortion? It is time to elect the world leader, and your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three leading candidates: Candidate A – Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists. He’s had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day. Candidate B – He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whisky every evening. Candidate C – He is a decorated war hero. He’s a vegetarian, doesn’t smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn’t had any extramarital affairs. Which of these candidates would be your choice ANSWERS: 1. If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had eight kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis; would you recommend that she have an abortion? If you said yes, you just killed Beethoven! 2. It is time to elect the world leader, and your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three leading candidates: * Candidate A – Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists. He’s had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day. * Candidate B – He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whisky every evening. * Candidate C – He is a decorated war hero. He’s a vegetarian, doesn’t smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn’t had any extramarital affairs. Which of these candidates would be your choice? * Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt * Candidate B is Winston Churchill * Candidate C is Adolph Hitler

Смотреть далее | 21.01.2025 | Отправить ссылку друзьям

Relations — Отношения [rus]

like - любить, нравиться love - любить, обожать dislike - не любить fond of - любить, нравиться adore - обожать can't bear - не выносить, терпеть не мочь can't stand - не выносить hate - ненавидеть, очень сильно не любить detest - ненавидеть, питать отвращение loathe - ненавидеть, чувствовать отвращение Примеры фраз для выражения симпатий: I like him very much. - Мне он очень нравится. I very much like going to parties and meeting people. - Мне очень нравится ходить на вечеринки и знакомиться с людьми. I love eating ice-cream. - Я очень люблю мороженое. I adore sun-bathing. - Я обожаю загорать. She's fond of chocolate. - Она без ума от шоколада. I like climbing mountains. - Мне нравится лазить по горам. I like swimming very much. - Мне очень нравится плавать. He quite likes going to the cinema. - Ему очень нравится ходить в кино. I like cooking. - Мне нравится готовить. Фразы для демонстрации безразличия: I don't mind doing the housework. - Я не против того, чтобы заняться работой по дому. I don't mind you coming in late if you don't wake me up. - Я не возражаю, что ты придешь поздно, если ты меня не разбудишь. Проявление антипатии: She doesn't like cooking very much. - Ей не очень нравится готовить. He's not very fond of doing the gardening. - Ему не очень нравится работать в саду. I dislike wasting time. - Мне не нравится зря терять время. Фразы для проявления сильной антипатии: I don't like fish at all. - Мне совсем не нравится рыба. He can't stand his mother-in-law. - Он не выносит свою тещу. She can't bear cooking in a dirty kitchen. - Она терпеть не может готовить в грязной кухне. He detests being late. - Он ненавидит опаздывать.

Смотреть далее | 20.01.2025 | Отправить ссылку друзьям

Country Song Titles

These are NOT made up. These are the actual titles of Country Songs… 1. Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In Bed 2. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth ‘Cause I’m Kissing You Goodbye 3. How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away? 4. I Can’t Get Over You, So Why Don’t You Get Under Me? 5. I Don’t Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling 6. I Got In At 2 With a 10, And Woke Up At 10 With a 2 7. I Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except For Mine 8. I Keep Forgettin’ I Forgot About You 9. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well 10. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim’s Gettin’ Better 11. I Wouldn’t Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I’m Afraid She’d Win 12. I’ll Marry You Tomorrow But Let’s Honeymoon Tonite 13. I’m So Miserable Without You, It’s Like Having You Here 14. I’ve Got Tears in My Ears From Lying On My Back Crying my eyes out over you 15. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I’d Be Out By Now 16. Mama Get A Hammer (There’s A Fly On Papa’s Head) 17. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don’t Love Jesus 18. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, and I Sure Do Miss Him 19. Please Bypass this Heart 20. She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger 21. You’re The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

Смотреть далее | 19.01.2025 | Отправить ссылку друзьям

Self-Appraisal – An Inspiring Story!

A little boy went into a drug store, reached for a soda carton and pulled it over to the telephone. He climbed onto the carton so that he could reach the buttons on the phone and proceeded to punch in ten-digits (phone numbers). The store-owner observed and listened to the conversation: Boy: 'Lady, Can you give me the job of cutting your lawn? Woman: (at the other end of the phone line): 'I already have someone to cut my lawn.' Boy: 'Lady, I will cut your lawn for half the price of the person who cuts your lawn now.' Woman: I'm very satisfied with the person who is presently cutting my lawn. Boy: (with more perseverance): 'I'll even sweep your curb and your sidewalk, so on Sunday you will have the prettiest lawn in all of Palm beach, Florida.' Woman: No, thank you. With a smile on his face, the little boy replaced the receiver. The store-owner, who was listening to all this, walked over to the boy. Store Owner: 'Son: I like your attitude; I like that positive spirit and would like to offer you a job.' Boy: 'No thanks'. Store Owner: But you were really pleading for one. Boy: No Sir, I was just checking my performance at the job I already have. I am the one who is working for that lady, I was talking to!' This is what we call 'Self Appraisal' ...

Смотреть далее | 18.01.2025 | Отправить ссылку друзьям

Bank Teller

A middle aged man walks into the bank and says to the young teller, “I want to open a fucking checking account”. “Please sir”, she replies, “we can’t have language like that in here.” “Why the Fuck not?” he asked. “Sir,” Came her retort, “I must ask you to refrain from swearing.” “I don’t give a shit what you want,” he answers, “I just want to open a fucking checking account.” With this the teller leaves and returns in a moment with her branch manager. The manager asks if he might be able to help the gentleman. “Shit yes”, came the reply, “I just won 14 million dollars in the lottery and want to open a fucking checking account.” The branch manager says, “I see, and this stupid, fucking, bitch is giving you a hard time?” Bank Teller

Смотреть далее | 17.01.2025 | Отправить ссылку друзьям

Tiger Woods

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, “I have a confession to make, I’m not a virgin.” The husband replies, “That’s not a big deal in this day and age.” The wife continues, “Yeah, I’ve been with one guy.” “Oh yeah? Who was the guy?” “Tiger Woods.” “Tiger Woods, the golfer?” “Yeah.” “Well, he’s rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him.” The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. “What are you doing?” asks the wife. The husband says, “I’m hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat.” “Tiger wouldn’t do that.” “Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?” “He’d come back to bed and do it a second time.” The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. “Now what are you doing?” she asks. The husband says, “I’m still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat.” “Tiger wouldn’t do that.” “Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?” “He’d come back to bed and do it again.” The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When they finish he’s tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, “Are you calling room service?” “No! I’m calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole.”

Смотреть далее | 16.01.2025 | Отправить ссылку друзьям

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