| Age difference |
What is the difference between girls aged:
8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, and 68?
At 8 – You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 – You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 – You don’t need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 – She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 – You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 – You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 – If you take her to bed, that’ll be a story!
|
| Смотреть далее | 30.01.2025 | Отправить ссылку друзьям |
| Grass sandwich |
At a local college dance, a guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance.
While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, “In America, we call this a hug.”
She replies, “Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too.”
A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, “In America, we call this a kiss.”
She replies, “Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too.”
Toward the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, “In America, we call this a grass sandwich.”
She says, “Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it.”
|
| Смотреть далее | 29.01.2025 | Отправить ссылку друзьям |
| Married men make the best employees |
In a small town in the U.S., there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men. Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, “Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous… or what?”
“Not at all, ma’am,” the manager replied. “It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don’t pout when I yell at them.”
|
| Смотреть далее | 28.01.2025 | Отправить ссылку друзьям |
| Shake it up |
A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine. On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot. They start necking and he’s getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she’s a virgin and wants to stay that way.
“Well, okay,” he says: “how about a blow job?”
“Yuck!” she screams: “I’m not putting that thing in my mouth!”
He says: “Well, then, how about a hand job?”
“I’ve never done that,” she says: “What do I have to do?”
“Well,” he answers, “remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?” She nods.
“Well, it’s just like that.”
So, he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain.
“What’s wrong?!” she cries out.
“Take your thumb off the end!!”
|
| Смотреть далее | 27.01.2025 | Отправить ссылку друзьям |
| Five Dollars |
A man goes into a store and starts looking around. He sees a washer and dryer, but there is no price listed on them. He asks a salesman who says, “Five dollars for both of them.”
“Yeah right, you’ve got to be joking with me!” the man says.
“No, that’s the price,” the salesman says, “Do you want to buy them or not?”
“Yeah, I’ll take them,” the man says. The man continues to look around and he sees a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers, and subwoofers. “How much?” he asks.
“Five dollars for the system, including installation,” the sales guy says.
“Is it stolen?” the guy asks incredulously.
“No,” says the salesman, “It’s brand new, do you want it or not?”
“Sure,” the guy says. He looks around some more. Next he finds a top of the line computer with printer and monitor. “How much?” he asks.
“Five dollars,” the salesman says.
“I’ll take that too!” the man says.
As the salesperson is ringing up the purchases, the man asks him, “Why are your prices so cheap?”
The salesman says, “Well, the owner of the store is at my house right now with my wife, and what he’s doing to her… I’m doing to his business!”
|
| Смотреть далее | 26.01.2025 | Отправить ссылку друзьям |
| Strange Facts That May Be True |
Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood plasma.
No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.
Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older.
The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.
The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.
A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first flight.
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive from each salad served in first-class.
Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.
Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.
|
| Смотреть далее | 25.01.2025 | Отправить ссылку друзьям |
| The differences between you and your boss |
When you take a long time, you’re slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he’s thorough.
When you don’t do it, you’re lazy.
When your boss doesn’t do it, he’s too busy.
When you make a mistake, you’re an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he’s only human.
When you take a stand, you’re being pig-headed.
When your boss does it, he’s being firm.
When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you’re being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he’s being original.
When you’re out of the office, you’re wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he’s on business.
When you’re on a day off sick, you’re always sick.
When your boss has a day off sick, he must be very ill.
When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it’s because he’s overworked
|
| Смотреть далее | 24.01.2025 | Отправить ссылку друзьям |
| Honest grandma |
Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know me?’ She responded, ‘Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.’
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?’
She again replied, ‘Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.’
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
‘If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.’
|
| Смотреть далее | 23.01.2025 | Отправить ссылку друзьям |
| Keep On Singing |
Like any good mother, when Karen found out that another baby was on the way, she did what she could to help her 3-year old son, Michael, prepare for a new sibling. They find out that the new baby is going to be a girl, and day after day, night after night, Michael sings to his sister in Mommy's tummy.
The pregnancy progresses normally for Karen, an active member of the Panther Creek United Methodist Church in Morristown,Tennessee. Then the labor pains come. Every five minutes every minute. But complications arise during delivery. Hours of labor. Would a C-section be required?
Finally, Michael's little sister is born. But she is in serious condition. With siren howling in the night, the ambulance rushes the infant to the neonatal intensive care unit at St. Mary's Hospital, Knoxville, Tennessee. The days inch by. The little girl gets worse. The pediatric specialist tells the parents, "There is very little hope. Be prepared for the worst."
Karen and her husband contact a local cemetery about a burial plot. They have fixed up a special room in their home for the new baby - now they plan a funeral.
Michael, keeps begging his parents to let him see his sister, "I want to sing to her," he says.
Week two in intensive care. It looks as if a funeral will come before the week is over. Michael keeps nagging about singing to his sister, but kids are never allowed in Intensive Care. But Karen makes up her mind. She will take Michael whether they like it or not. If he doesn't see his sister now, he may never see her alive.
She dresses him in an oversized scrub suit and marches him into ICU. He looks like a walking laundry basket, but the head nurse recognizes him as a child and bellows, "Get that kid out of here now! No children are allowed.
The mother rises up strong in Karen, and the usually mild-mannered lady glares steel-eyed into the head nurse's face, her lips a firm line. "He is not leaving until he sings to his sister!" Karen tows Michael to his sister's bedside. He gazes at the tiny infant losing the battle to live. And he begins to sing.
In the pure hearted voice of a 3-year-old, Michael sings: "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are gray - "
Instantly the baby girl responds. The pulse rate becomes calm and steady.
Keep on singing, Michael.
"You never know, dear, how much I love you, Please don't take my sunshine away-"
The ragged, strained breathing becomes as smooth as a kitten's purr. Keep on singing, Michael.
"The other night, dear, as I lay sleeping, I dreamed I held you in my arms:" Michael's little sister relaxes as rest, healing rest, seems to sweep over her. Keep on singing, Michael. Tears conquer the face of the bossy head nurse. Karen glows.
"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. Please don't, take my sunshine away."
Funeral plans are scrapped. The next, day-the very next day-the little girl is well enough to go home!
Woman's Day magazine called it "the miracle of a brother's song." The medical staff just called it a miracle.
NEVER GIVE UP ON THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE
|
| Смотреть далее | 22.01.2025 | Отправить ссылку друзьям |
Начало < Предыдущая 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Следующая >
|
