The jewish joke

Old Rabbi Wolfson was begging his board of directors to buy a new chandelier for the synagogue. Pleading for more than an hour, he sat down sullen and hopeless in his ambition to acquire a chandelier. Then the elder president of the board stood up. ‘What’re we wasting time talkin’ for?’ he said rhetorically. ‘Foist of all, a chandelier, … we ain’t got nobody who could even spell it. Second, we ain’t got nobody who could even play it. And third, what we need most in the synagogue is more light.’

Смотреть далее | 10.02.2025 | Отправить ссылку друзьям

For the sake of decency

The Swede’s wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. “Good God, woman! Why aren’t you wearing any skivvies?” Olaf demands. “Well, you don’t give me enough housekeeping money to afford any,” his wife replies. The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says: “For the sake of decency, here’s a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.” Next, the Irishman’s wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no panties. “Blessed Virgin Mary, woman!” Patrick exclaims: “You’ve no knickers. Why not?” She replies: “I can’t afford any on the money you give me.” Patrick reaches into his pocket and says: “For the sake of decency, here’s a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!” Lastly, the Scotsman’s wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. “Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?” he asks. She too explains: “You dinna give me enough money to be able to affarrd any.” The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says: “Well, fer the love ‘o decency, here’s a comb… tidy yourself up a bit.”

Смотреть далее | 09.02.2025 | Отправить ссылку друзьям

Poor Silver

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, “Who owns the big white horse outside?” The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt and said “I do. Why?” The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, “I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside.” The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and made him drink it. Soon Silver was starting to feel better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, “Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better.” Tonto said, “Sure, Kemosabe”, and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces, “Who owns that big white horse outside?” The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, “I do. What is wrong with him this time?” The cowboy says to him, “Nothin’ much, I just wanted you to know….you left your Injun running.

Смотреть далее | 08.02.2025 | Отправить ссылку друзьям

Having a bad day — Remember it

Remember it could be worse 1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both. 2. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman. 3. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn Germany. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death. And finally: 4. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb he opened it and was blown to bits.

Смотреть далее | 07.02.2025 | Отправить ссылку друзьям

Tampon shopping

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, “Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?” He answers, “You see, it’s like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers…. ‘Cause it’s sooooooooooo much cheaper. So….I figure if I have to roll my own… So does she….”

Смотреть далее | 06.02.2025 | Отправить ссылку друзьям

First on The Throne

BEIJING: China has flushed Britain’s claims to have invented the water closet down the pan with the discovery of a 2000-year-old toilet complete with running water, a stone seat and a comfortable armrest. Archeologists found the antique latrine in the tomb of a king of the Western Han Dynasty (206 BC to 24 AD), who believed his soul would need to enjoy human life after death, the official Xinhua news agency said yesterday. The invention of the flush toilet is widely attributed to London plumber Thomas Crapper, who patented a U-bend siphoning system for flushing the pan in the late 19th century.

Смотреть далее | 05.02.2025 | Отправить ссылку друзьям

Things Found Only in America

1. Only in America::can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. 2. Only in America::are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. 3. Only in America::do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. 4. Only in America::do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke. 5. Only in America::do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters. 6. Only in America::do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. 7. Only in America::do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place. 8. Only in America::do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. 9. Only in America::do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'. 10. Only in America::do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

Смотреть далее | 04.02.2025 | Отправить ссылку друзьям

Einstein’s Chauffer

This is a true life anecdote about Albert Einstein, and his theory of relativity. After having propounded his famous theorY, Albert Einstein would tour the various Universities in the United States, delivering lectures wherever he went. He was always accompanied by his faithful chauffer, Harry, who would attend each of these lectures while seated in the back row! One fine day, after Einstein had finished a lecture and was coming out of the auditorium into his vehicle, Harry addresses him and says, "Professor Einstein, I've heard your lecture on Relativity so many times, that if I were ever given the opportunity, I would be able to deliver it to perfection myself!" "Very well," replied Einstein, "I'm going to Dartmouth next week. They don't know me there. You can deliver the lecture as Einstein, and I'll take your place as Harry!" And so it went to be: Harry delivered the lecture to perfection, without a word out of place, while Einstein sat in the back row playing "chauffer", and enjoying a snooze for a change. Just as Harry was descending from the podium, however, one of the research assistants intercepted him, and began to ask him a question on the theory of relativity:. one that involved a lot of complex calculations and equations. Harry replied to the assistant "The answer to this question is very simple! In fact, it's so simple, that I'm going to let my chauffer answer it!"

Смотреть далее | 03.02.2025 | Отправить ссылку друзьям

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