A Big Decision

A six-year-old boy walked up to his father one day and announced, "Daddy, I'd like to get married." His father replied hesitantly, "Sure, son, do you have anyone special in mind?" "Yes," answered the boy. "I want to marry Grandma." "Now, wait a minute," said his father. "You don"t think I'd let you get married with my mother, do you?" "Why not?" the boy asked. "You married mine."

Смотреть далее | 04.06.2023 | Отправить ссылку друзьям

English pronunciation test - English is tough stuff

Не секрет, что при изучении языка одним из важных моментов является хорошее произношение и всегда есть место для совершенствования. С этой целью мы хотели бы предложить вам стихотворение. После того как вы научились правильно произносить каждое слово в этом стихотворении, вы будете говорить по-английски лучше, чем 90% носителей английского языка в мире. While most of you non-native speakers of English speak English quite well, there is always room for improvement (of course, the same could be said for every person for any subject, but that is another matter). To that end, I'd like to offer you a poem. Once you've learned to correctly pronounce every word in this poem, you will be speaking English better than 90% of the native English speakers in the world. If you find it tough going, do not despair, you are not alone: Multi-national personnel at North Atlantic Treaty Organization headquarters near Paris found English to be an easy language ... until they tried to pronounce it. To help them discard an array of accents, the verses below were devised. After trying them, a Frenchman said he'd prefer six months at hard labor to reading six lines aloud. Try them yourself. English is tough stuff Dearest creature in creation, Study English pronunciation. I will teach you in my verse Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse. I will keep you, Suzy, busy, Make your head with heat grow dizzy. Tear in eye, your dress will tear. So shall I! Oh hear my prayer. Just compare heart, beard, and heard, Dies and diet, lord and word, Sword and sward, retain and Britain. (Mind the latter, how it's written.) Now I surely will not plague you With such words as plaque and ague. But be careful how you speak: Say break and steak, but bleak and streak; Cloven, oven, how and low, Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe. Hear me say, devoid of trickery, Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore, Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles, Exiles, similes, and reviles; Scholar, vicar, and cigar, Solar, mica, war and far; One, anemone, Balmoral, Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel; Gertrude, German, wind and mind, Scene, Melpomene, mankind. Billet does not rhyme with ballet, Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet. Blood and flood are not like food, Nor is mould like should and would. Viscous, viscount, load and broad, Toward, to forward, to reward. And your pronunciation's OK When you correctly say croquet, Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve, Friend and fiend, alive and live. Ivy, privy, famous; clamour And enamour rhyme with hammer. River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb, Doll and roll and some and home. Stranger does not rhyme with anger, Neither does devour with clangour. Souls but foul, haunt but aunt, Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant, Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger, And then singer, ginger, linger, Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge, Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age. Query does not rhyme with very, Nor does fury sound like bury. Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth. Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath. Though the differences seem little, We say actual but victual. Refer does not rhyme with deafer. Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer. Mint, pint, senate and sedate; Dull, bull, and George ate late. Scenic, Arabic, Pacific, Science, conscience, scientific. Liberty, library, heave and heaven, Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven. We say hallowed, but allowed, People, leopard, towed, but vowed. Mark the differences, moreover, Between mover, cover, clover; Leeches, breeches, wise, precise, Chalice, but police and lice; Camel, constable, unstable, Principle, disciple, label. Petal, panel, and canal, Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal. Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair, Senator, spectator, mayor. Tour, but our and succour, four. Gas, alas, and Arkansas. Sea, idea, Korea, area, Psalm, Maria, but malaria. Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean. Doctrine, turpentine, marine. Compare alien with Italian, Dandelion and battalion. Sally with ally, yea, ye, Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key. Say aver, but ever, fever, Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver. Heron, granary, canary. Crevice and device and aerie. Face, but preface, not efface. Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass. Large, but target, gin, give, verging, Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging. Ear, but earn and wear and tear Do not rhyme with here but ere. Seven is right, but so is even, Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen, Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk, Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work. Pronunciation -- think of Psyche! Is a paling stout and spikey? Won't it make you lose your wits, Writing groats and saying grits? It's a dark abyss or tunnel: Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale, Islington and Isle of Wight, Housewife, verdict and indict. Finally, which rhymes with enough -- Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough? Hiccough has the sound of cup. My advice is to give up!!!

Смотреть далее | 03.06.2023 | Отправить ссылку друзьям

Cookie recipe

My daughter and I had finished a salad at the Neiman-Marcus Cafe in Dallas and decided to have a small desert. Because our family members are such "Cookie Monsters", we decided to try the Neiman-Marcus Cookie. It was so good that I asked if they would give me the recipe. She said with a frown, "I'm afraid not", "Well", I said, "Would you let me buy the recipe?" With a cute smile, she agreed. I asked how much, and she responded "Two Fifty". I said with approval, "Just add it to my tab". Thirty days later I received my statement from Neiman-Marcus and it was $285.00. I looked again and remembered I had only spent $9.95 for two salads and about $20 for a scarf. As I glanced at the bottom of the statement said "Cookie Recipe-$250". Boy was I upset! I called Neiman's accounting office and told them the waitress said it was "two fifty" and did not realize she meant $250 for a cookie recipe. I asked them to take back the recipe and reduce my bill, but they said they were sorry, but all recipes were this expensive so not just anyone could duplicate the bakery recipes...the bill would stand. I thought of how I could try to get even or try to get my money back. I just said okay, you folks got my $250 and now I'm going to have $250 worth of fun. I told her that I was going to see to it that every cookie lover will have the $250 recipe from Neiman-Marcus for nothing. She replied "I wish you wouldn't do this." I said, "I'm sorry, but this is the only way I feel I can get even and I will." So here it is, please pass it on to someone else or run a few copies...I paid for it, so now you can have it for free!!! 2 cups butter 1 tsp. salt 2 cups sugar 2 tsp. baking powder 2 cups brown sugar 2 tsp. soda 4 eggs 24 oz. chocolate chips 2 tsp. vanilla 1-8 oz. Hershey bar, grated 4 cups flour 3 cups chopped nuts 5 cups blended oatmeal* Cream butter and both sugars. Add eggs and vanilla. Mix together with flour, oatmeal, salt, baking powder and soda. Add chocolate chips, Hershey bar and nuts. Roll into balls and place two inches apart on a cookie sheet. Bake for 10 minutes at 375. Makes 112 cookies (recipe may be halved). * Measure oatmeal and blend in a blender to a fine powder. Have fun! This is not a joke - this is a true story!!!!! (believe it or not?????)

Смотреть далее | 03.06.2023 | Отправить ссылку друзьям

How Rome Fell

The other day there were two guys walking into the gym commenting on how they had gotten redundant by riding their bike to the gym to use an excercycle. A few days later I heard two complaining about the long walk up the stairs into the building. When I was leaving, I saw the one who had been complaining working out on a stair-master. Sort of a trend evolving here..I think it goes way back in humankind. Man used to live outside. "It's cold out here" he said. So eventually he came up with (..drum roll..) shelter. Houses. But it's dark in there. So eventually some Einstein comes up with windows. Now there's an invention. Animals still haven't caught on to that one. Look out on your patio long enough and you're sure to see some squirrel walk smack into the sliding glass door (muffled thud). But, now people can also see into your house. So what do they do? Invent curtains. And it's still cold outside. But now warm inside. So food goes bad faster. Refrigeration is invented. But now the butter's too hard to use...so what do you do? Put a little heater in the butter drawer. So it's warmer in the cold in the warm in the cold in the house with the windows that you can neither see in nor out. And so it goes...

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How To Photograph A New Puppy

Как сфотографировать нового щенка. - Remove film from box and load camera - Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash - Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle - Choose a suitable background for photo - Mount camera on tripod and focus - Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth - Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera - Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees - Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand - Get tissue and clean nose print from lens - Take flash cube from puppy's mouth and throw in trash - Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose - Put magazines back on coffee table - Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head - Replace your glasses and check camera for damage - Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, "No, outside! No, outside!" - Call spouse to clean up mess - Fix a drink - Sit back in Lazy Boy with drink and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and "stay" the first thing in the morning

Смотреть далее | 02.06.2023 | Отправить ссылку друзьям

Blonde jokes

Car Trouble A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor" She asks, "How often do I have to do that?" Speeding Ticket A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could se! e her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!" At The Doctor's Office A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me." The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you? "Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde." "I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken." Dogs A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

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Heaven Joke

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?" So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony." "That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in. The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story. "It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here." Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death. The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story. "Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

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Топик Birthday is a very wonderful day

Birthday is a very wonderful day — День рождения - замечательный день Birthday is a very wonderful day. Everybody likes to celebrate it. It is a good opportunity to spend time with friends, parents, relatives. I was born on the 20th of January. In the morning on my birthday my parents lay the presents near my bed. So the first thing I see when I open my eyes is my presents. My Mom and Daddy and my little brother come to my room to congratulate me and to sing "Happy Birthday". Usually we hold my birthday party in the evening. Once we went to a cafe to celebrate my birthday, but usually we celebrate it at home. We clean the house the day before birthday. In the morning of birthday party day my father goes shopping and buys everything we need. My mother bakes a cake or pie. By the evening food is cooked, the table is laid. We put on evening suits and dresses and wait for the guests. The flat looks nice and cosy. I am always very glad to meet my guests. I like to get flowers and presents. Mom gives me the telegram from my aunt. We have an abundant dinner on this day. Mom brings in the birthday cake. I blow the candles out. We dance and sing songs, play games and laugh, joke, tell funny stories. I think that my birthday is one of the best days in a year. [ перевод ] День рождения - замечательный день. Всем нравится праздновать его, потому что это замечательная возможность провести время с друзьями, родителями, родственниками. Я родилась 20 января. Утром в день моего рождения мои родители кладут подарки рядом с моей кроватью. Поэтому первое, что я вижу, когда просыпаюсь, — это мои подарки. Мои мама, папа и маленький брат приходят в мою комнату, чтобы поздравить меня и спеть мне: "С днем рождения". Обычно мы отмечаем мой день рождения вечером. Однажды мы ходили в кафе, чтобы отпраздновать его, но обычно мы отмечаем этот праздник дома. За день до моего дня рождения мы убираем квартиру. Утром в день проведения вечеринки, посвященной празднованию моего дня рождения, мой папа идет за покупками и покупает все необходимое. Моя мама печет торт или пирог. К вечеру еда приготовлена, стол накрыт. Мы надеваем вечерние наряды и ждем гостей. Квартира выглядит красиво и уютно. Я всегда очень рада встречать моих гостей. Мне нравится получать цветы и подарки. Мама подает мне телеграмму от моей тети. В этот день у нас обильный обед. Мама вносит праздничный торт. Я задуваю свечи. Мы танцуем, поем песни, играем в игры, смеемся, шутим, рассказываем веселые истории. Я думаю, что мой день рождения — самый лучший день в году. Вопросы — Questions: When were you born? Where were you born? How old are you? Do you get presents and flowers? Do you celebrate your birthday? What is your favourite birthday meal? Who cooks the birthday cake? Словарь — Vocabulary: abundant - обильный to celebrate - праздновать opportunity - возможность relative - родственник to be born - родиться to congratulate - поздравлять to hold birthday party - устраивать вечеринку по поводу празднования дня рождения to bake - печь to blow out - задувать Birthday is a very wonderful day — День рождения - замечательный день

Смотреть далее | 10.04.2023 | Отправить ссылку друзьям

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