You know it's going to be a bad day when ...

. . . your twin sister forgets your birthday. . . . you wake up face down on the pavement. . . . you put your bra on backwards and it fits better. . . . you call suicide prevention and they put you on hold. . . . you see a "60 Minutes news team" waiting in your outer office. . . . your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles. . . . you turn on the TV news and they're displaying emergency routes out of your city. . . . the woman you've been seeing on the side begins to look like your wife. . . . your horn goes off accidently and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway. . . . your boyfriend calls and tells you he has 6 days to live, and that you'd better get the Test . . . you have an appointment in 10 minutes and you just woke up . . . your doctor tells you, "Well, I have bad news and good news..."

Смотреть далее | 06.06.2023 | Отправить ссылку друзьям

A Guy Walks Into a Bar

A guy walks into a bar and starts chatting with a tall, attractive blonde woman. During the course of the conversation he says would you like to hear a 'blonde' joke ? "Well", says the girl, "I'm obviously blonde, I'm 6 feet tall without heels and I've been training in judo for the past 5 years." Raising her voice slightly she went on, "My flatmate's blonde, she's 6 feet 2" tall, has been involved in karate for 10 years, she's a black belt and has been Southern Counties Ladies' Champion for the past 3 years. Lastly she added "My next door neighbor's blonde, she weighs over 200lbs. and is a professional womens' wrestler, do you still want to tell the joke about a blonde ?" "Well no" came the reply, "Not if I've got to explain it 3 times".

Смотреть далее | 05.06.2023 | Отправить ссылку друзьям

Birth Control at 72?

An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth-control pills." Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 72 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?" The woman responded, "They help me sleep better." The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?" The woman said, "Simple, I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night."

Смотреть далее | 05.06.2023 | Отправить ссылку друзьям

The Straight Dope On Food, Health, & Exercise

** Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. ** Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop. ** Q: Is beer or wine bad for me? A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables. ** Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. ** Q: At the gym, a guy asked me to "spot" for him while he did the benchpress. What did he mean? A: "Spotting"for someone means you stand over him while he blows air up your shorts. It's an accepted practice at health clubs; though if you find that it becomes the ONLY reason why you're going in, you probably ought to reevaluate your exercise program. ** Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain - Good. ** Q: If I stop smoking, will I live longer? A: Nope. Smoking is a sign of individual expression and peace of mind. If you stop, you'll probably stress yourself to death in record time. ** Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. Infact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you? ** Q: What's the secret to healthy eating? A: Thicker gravy. ** Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Смотреть далее | 05.06.2023 | Отправить ссылку друзьям

Things Kids Should Learn in School

** Life is not fair. Get used to it. ** The real world won't care as much about your self esteem as your school does. It'll expect you to accomplish something before you feel good about yourself. This may come as a shock. ** Sorry, you won't make $75,000 a year right out of high school. ** If you think your teacher is tough, wait until you get a boss. ** Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. ** It is not your parents' fault. If you screw up, YOU are responsible. ** Before you were born your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way paying your bills, cleaning up your room, and listening to you tell them how idealistic you are. ** Life is not divided into semesters and you DON'T get summers off. ** Smoking does not make you look cool. It makes you look like a moron. ** You are not immortal. ** Your school may be outcome-based. Life isn't.

Смотреть далее | 04.06.2023 | Отправить ссылку друзьям

A Few Food Elves

by Pateric J. Jack Elf: You ever lived at the North Pole, son? Kaybee: No, sir. Jack Elf: You ever had your feet in pointed shoes while working with wood, asked another elf to wear those same shoes while building a train? Kaybee: No, sir. Jack Elf: Son, we make toys. We make toys or children cry. It's that simple. Are we clear? Kaybee: Yes sir. Jack elf: Are we CLEAR? Kaybee: Crystal. I just have one more question before I call Airmen Prancer and Vixen. If you got a list of toys to be delivered, and those lists don't include Nativity Scenes, then why would it be necessary to call Toys R Us? Jack Elf: The Nativity displays were being ordered as a novelty item. Famous cartoons would replace the Holy family to make the scene a learning toy... Kaybee: No, sir. You said the displays ordered were the Baby in The Manger. You said `The Manger.' I said `The Baby in the Manger?' You said `Is there any other one?' Jack Elf: I recall what I said. Kaybee: I can have the Easter Bunny read back to you... Jack Elf: I know what I said. I don't have to have it read back to me like I'm some kind of pixie... Kaybee: Then why the new order? Jack Elf: Sometimes parents take matters into their own hands. Kaybee: No sir, you just made it clear to me that parents never take Santa's job from him. Elves make toys or children cry. So if you were giving toy Nativity Scenes, Toys R Us shouldn't have been called at all. Surely you have the resources to make such a simple toy. Jack Elf: You snotty little Scrooge. Kevin Bacon: Objection, your Honor. Kaybee: I'd like an answer to the question. Judge Nicholas: The court will wait for an answer. Kaybee: The truth is Jehosephat ordered the coal bricks because that's what you told Jehosephat the Elf to do. Kevin Bacon: Objection! Judge Nicholas: Sustained. Kaybee, any further remarks about the coal and you will be held in contempt. Kaybee: You doctored the Chrismas Lists, you coerced the parents, You cut these elves loose! Judge Nicholas: That's it, Kaybee, you're in contempt. Kaybee: Did you order the coal bricks!?! Judge Nicholas: He didn't ask nicely. You don't have to answer that. Jack Elf: I'll answer the question. You want Santa? Kaybee: I think I'm entitled. Jack Elf: YOU WANT SANTA? Kaybee: I WANT MY TOYS! Jack Elf: You can't handle your toys! Son, we live in a world that has malls. And those malls have to be run by men with stores. Who's going to do it? You? You, Leuitenant Coldmeiser? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for the little kiddies and you curse the elves. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know. That stuffing stockings with coal saves elves' lives, and my existence while short and magical to you, saves elves' lives. You know that some of these kids don't deserve toys because deep down in places you don't talk about at office parties, You want me at the mall, you need me at the mall, to watch your stupid kids while you shop. We use words like Mattel, Huffy, Nintendo. We use these words as the backbone of a holiday spent celebrating someting. You use them to pad your wallet. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man that sells and markets the toys that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide them. I would rather you just said Feliz Navidad, and went on your way, or I suggest you pick up a charge card and give unto others. Either way, I don't give a candy cane what you think you Are entitled TO! Kaybee: Did you order the coal bricks? Jack Elf: I did my Job, I'll do it next year. Kaybee: Did you order the coal Bricks? Jack Elf: DARN TOOTIN" RIGHT I DID!!! Kaybee: I move that court be dimissed so that we can move to an immediate article 12 section 25 trial. The witness has rights. Jack Elf: This is ridiculous. I've had enough. I'm going to get a reindeer and fly on back to my pole for some eggnog. Judge Nicholas: You aren't going anywhere. Cherubim, guard the Elf. Jack Elf: What's this? I'm Being charged with a crime? This is funny. That's what this is. This is... I'm going to rip the stocking from your chimney and throw coal in your red sock! You tinkered with the wrong toymaker! You friggin' people. You have no idea how to celebrate a holiday. All you did was weaken a tradition today, Kaybee. That's all you did. Sugarplum dreams son. Kaybee: Don't call me son. I provide toys for deserving kids, and you are off Santa's good list you son of a Grinch.

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A Big Decision

A six-year-old boy walked up to his father one day and announced, "Daddy, I'd like to get married." His father replied hesitantly, "Sure, son, do you have anyone special in mind?" "Yes," answered the boy. "I want to marry Grandma." "Now, wait a minute," said his father. "You don"t think I'd let you get married with my mother, do you?" "Why not?" the boy asked. "You married mine."

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English pronunciation test - English is tough stuff

Не секрет, что при изучении языка одним из важных моментов является хорошее произношение и всегда есть место для совершенствования. С этой целью мы хотели бы предложить вам стихотворение. После того как вы научились правильно произносить каждое слово в этом стихотворении, вы будете говорить по-английски лучше, чем 90% носителей английского языка в мире. While most of you non-native speakers of English speak English quite well, there is always room for improvement (of course, the same could be said for every person for any subject, but that is another matter). To that end, I'd like to offer you a poem. Once you've learned to correctly pronounce every word in this poem, you will be speaking English better than 90% of the native English speakers in the world. If you find it tough going, do not despair, you are not alone: Multi-national personnel at North Atlantic Treaty Organization headquarters near Paris found English to be an easy language ... until they tried to pronounce it. To help them discard an array of accents, the verses below were devised. After trying them, a Frenchman said he'd prefer six months at hard labor to reading six lines aloud. Try them yourself. English is tough stuff Dearest creature in creation, Study English pronunciation. I will teach you in my verse Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse. I will keep you, Suzy, busy, Make your head with heat grow dizzy. Tear in eye, your dress will tear. So shall I! Oh hear my prayer. Just compare heart, beard, and heard, Dies and diet, lord and word, Sword and sward, retain and Britain. (Mind the latter, how it's written.) Now I surely will not plague you With such words as plaque and ague. But be careful how you speak: Say break and steak, but bleak and streak; Cloven, oven, how and low, Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe. Hear me say, devoid of trickery, Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore, Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles, Exiles, similes, and reviles; Scholar, vicar, and cigar, Solar, mica, war and far; One, anemone, Balmoral, Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel; Gertrude, German, wind and mind, Scene, Melpomene, mankind. Billet does not rhyme with ballet, Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet. Blood and flood are not like food, Nor is mould like should and would. Viscous, viscount, load and broad, Toward, to forward, to reward. And your pronunciation's OK When you correctly say croquet, Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve, Friend and fiend, alive and live. Ivy, privy, famous; clamour And enamour rhyme with hammer. River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb, Doll and roll and some and home. Stranger does not rhyme with anger, Neither does devour with clangour. Souls but foul, haunt but aunt, Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant, Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger, And then singer, ginger, linger, Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge, Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age. Query does not rhyme with very, Nor does fury sound like bury. Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth. Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath. Though the differences seem little, We say actual but victual. Refer does not rhyme with deafer. Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer. Mint, pint, senate and sedate; Dull, bull, and George ate late. Scenic, Arabic, Pacific, Science, conscience, scientific. Liberty, library, heave and heaven, Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven. We say hallowed, but allowed, People, leopard, towed, but vowed. Mark the differences, moreover, Between mover, cover, clover; Leeches, breeches, wise, precise, Chalice, but police and lice; Camel, constable, unstable, Principle, disciple, label. Petal, panel, and canal, Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal. Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair, Senator, spectator, mayor. Tour, but our and succour, four. Gas, alas, and Arkansas. Sea, idea, Korea, area, Psalm, Maria, but malaria. Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean. Doctrine, turpentine, marine. Compare alien with Italian, Dandelion and battalion. Sally with ally, yea, ye, Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key. Say aver, but ever, fever, Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver. Heron, granary, canary. Crevice and device and aerie. Face, but preface, not efface. Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass. Large, but target, gin, give, verging, Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging. Ear, but earn and wear and tear Do not rhyme with here but ere. Seven is right, but so is even, Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen, Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk, Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work. Pronunciation -- think of Psyche! Is a paling stout and spikey? Won't it make you lose your wits, Writing groats and saying grits? It's a dark abyss or tunnel: Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale, Islington and Isle of Wight, Housewife, verdict and indict. Finally, which rhymes with enough -- Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough? Hiccough has the sound of cup. My advice is to give up!!!

Смотреть далее | 03.06.2023 | Отправить ссылку друзьям

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